Super Smash on N64

This is a simple list, but a list nonetheless. It has been a long time coming that I blog about Super Smash Bros on Nintendo 64, so I feel the time has come. I haven't wrote in a while and really need something to stir the pot that people won't read, so here we go. The OFFICIAL rankings of characters in Smash and many other echelonic (not really a word) things:

The stars: 1) killing ability, 2) ability in the air 3) quickness 4) throwing 5) ability to live
e.g. five-tool * * * * *, two star * _ _ * _, etc....5-stars=phenom; 4-stars=above average; 3-stars=mediocre; 2-stars=below average; 1-star=horrendous

1) Kirby * * * * *...obviously the best character in the game. The easiest to play with as a beginner or a veteran (if there is such a thing beside myself). He truly displays what Muhammad Ali said, "floats like a butterfly, stings like a bee". He is one of the hardest to kill, because he usually kills you first. His power "a" over maneuver has been known to make a wolverine purr (or die). His brick move ("b" down) tames the most unruly wildebeest and he can puff with the best. Kirby is the only 5-star player in the game.

2) Donkey Kong * * _ * *...DK's throw is one of the best in the game, it is unfair fast. The rest of his game is too slow to garner a 5-star rating, but he makes up for it in his power. He is hard to kill because he can take loads of damage. His "b" punch may need a little warming up, but is the most powerful move in the game. His power "a" up has been known to make the Most Interesting Man in the World sweat.

3) Pikachu _ * * * *...I was reluctant to give Pikachu only 4-stars. He has such a complete game, but he doesn't have near the killing ability of other characters. His agility is the best "b" up in the game. You can make stunning comebacks and make up for his natural aerodynamics. Pikachu's power "a" over may be the best cheap shot in the game, making him more of a killer, but from the middle of the map, he is hard to get kills with. He has great ability with lightning "a" combos that dumbfound Stephen Hawking.

4) Ness * * _ * *... A similar character to DK. The only true difference is his ability to live comes from a good jump and "b" up rather than fat. He makes a great character in the air with use of his "a" down, an almost auto kill and the bane of links everywhere. His grab is one of the best, and is quicker than Tyson Gay (pending results against Usain Bolt)

5) Capt. Falcon * * * _ _...This is where it actually gets harder. Capt. Falcon is the best of the 3-star players. He has great killing ability with a solid finisher with Falcon Punch ("b") He has nice "a" moves (always important) and is the fastest runner in the game (comparable to Ness's grab). He can make quick work in the air with solid moves all-around. The trouble comes with his grabbing. Grabbing is so important in this game it is its own tool, but Capt. Falcon's grab is not good enough to make him a truly dominant character. He always has a "b" up move that kills well, but is not good for getting back to the map (a "b" up move's main purpose)

6) Fox McCloud _ _ * * *...He has a proper name and quite an array of abilities. His power "a" over is his only true killing move, but his power "a" down is the only one that hits to both sides simultaneously. This makes it beyond value. His "b" down is the bane of Samus and the counter to the pesky things such as Yoshi's eggs or Link's bombs. He cannot kill too well and has trouble in the air, this puts him behind the pace. If his grab were as dominant as DK's or if he had a cheap shot move like Ness or Pikachu, he may be higher.

7) Yoshi * * _ _ *...Having a bad grab move makes him less than Fox. His power "a" up may be the best in the game and his "b" up eggs are so fun. He may not have a "b" up that helps him get back, but he is hard to hit while fluttering trough the air. This allows him to live longer than other characters as cheap shots are a key to being a mass murderer in Smash.

8) Luigi * _ _ * *...This marks the end of our 3-stars. He only gets a * for ability to kill because he has a nice "b" up and "b" down. Take advantage of his jump, it is really high. Finally, he has a nice grab that counter acts poor quickness.

9) Samus Aran * _ _ _ *...For some reason, Samus is a girl. This bounty hunter has a nice cannon is is blonde, but don't mistake her for hitting like a girl. She is a pure bred killer. Her "b" may need to be powered up, but is a gun that is shot (how redundant?). Her grab is powerful, but far too slow and costly to garner a star. She doesn't do much in the air. She doesn't have a great jump and isn't very fat, but she is hard to kill, it seems innate. She grasps the edge well and is often hiding to warm-up her blaster.

10) Jigglypuff * * _ _ _...Many people would put Jiggly dead last, and it is true that she isn't very good; however, if you can use her right, you may make her a champ. Jiggly produces fear in anyone with her mid-air "a" down to screech "b" down combo. Prepare to fall asleep with her annoying "b", but also be ready to get a lot of kills as this little puff ball flies. Unlike Kirby, her "b" up doesn't get her anywhere. Effective use of pure "b" makes it a little better, but not much.

11) Mario _ * _ _ _...oh, woe, how the mighty have fallen. It was as if Nintendo was trying to make its face character too good that it forgot to make it good. It made Mario bad at nothing, but good at nothing. He has a nice running "a" and a good mid-air "a" over, but that makes up most of his goodness. He is so average he is not average. It makes me sick making all of these oxymoronic comments, but i digress. If you like Mario, then you may be living the mediocre life complained about by Bruce in "Bruce Almighty". I suggest trying to spice things up with his "b" meatballs, it makes the experience bearable.

12) Link * _ _ _ _...If there was ever going to be a character created in a game that was good at nothing, it may be Link. He is the Ethan Albright of Smash. I only gave him a star in mercy, which he deserves for having bombs to throw making it fun. One may look at his moves and say, there is potential, and to you I say, "no". He is too slow to kill, too bad at getting back to win, and too bad to play. Link makes Jiggly into Kirby and Kirby into some Demigod-like individual with semi-divine powers. That wolverine that was purring at Kirby would rip Link to pieces. In other words, he is bad.

In Conclusion: I am a nerd and like Smash. If you disagree, comment or email me. This could create uber controversy, finally, some argument.